Sure, we should work harder to embrace the ‘real person’ we just met at a networking event. Or not.

This evening, I am attending an event that is sure to include a number of startup people and even more strangers.

I will enjoy the keynote speech, stand around awkwardly and inevitably strike up a conversation out of a mix of social obligation and boredom.

I will search around for a topic, and most probably land on work.

And yet, based on the rhetoric of recent years, there is a growing consternation about the question. As they say, we are so much more than our jobs.

We are complicated beings with dreams, goals and emotional baggage. We have wants, needs, fears and fantasies. All at once we are smart, dumb, beautiful and ugly. Can’t we all just recognise this in one another and embrace humanity?

To which I say, “Hell No!”

I wake up every day and just work hard to ensure my life doesn’t fall apart by evening. I’m not about to add deep metaphysical conversations whereby I simultaneously reveal the limits of my intelligence whilst bearing my soul to an utter stranger.

Phew…breath Kevin. Breathe in. Breathe out. It’s ok.

But I am serious.

Why?

In a list of 27 questions to ask instead of “What do you do for a living?” a FastCompany article put forth gems like,

“How do you feel your life has worked out so far?”
“What’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about you?”
“What’s on your mind lately?”

These are great questions. Deep, thoughtful, personal, and definitely not something I would ever ask a stranger.

If, after our first handshake, someone asked how I felt my life had worked out so far, I would be overwhelmed by crippling anxiety and would probably just end up hating that person for asking.

Not really a good strategy at a networking event.

Politics is off limits, so are questions of morality and asking anyone about their relationships just comes off as fishing for a date.

As a foreigner, I usually get asked, “What do you think about Singapore?”. Which is fine, but please be aware, dear readers, that the next time I get asked will be 68,542nd time since last Tuesday.

Which brings up the topic I brainstormed as the next-best discussion topic outside of work:

Children.

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Look, when it comes to the unmarried, no kids, population, it would be tough to find someone who is more pro-kids than I.

I basically view children as the random moments of joy that keeps society just sane enough to not kill each other.

So with that in mind, it is with a heavy heart that I say talking about kids is a terrible topic for networking events.

That adorable way Stevie says ‘door’ instead of ‘four’? Unless I’ve met Stevie, it is nearly impossible to care.

It’s not that your kid isn’t unique. It’s just…it’s just…it’s just that all kids are special. So it is REALLY hard for strangers to empathise, and thus, find the topic interesting for more than a couple of minutes.

But to give credit where it is due, most people don’t particularly talk about their kids at these sorts of professional social gatherings.

Which gets to the crux of the argument. Not only is it insane to avoid asking about work, we should actively embrace it.

When most normal human beings ask about another’s job, they aren’t trying to compare their personal success (or lack thereof) with whatever you’ve got going on behind the suit.

No, it’s usually an educated guess that the question is likely illicit a topic of expertise, and thus, potentially an interesting conversation. Especially because most networking events occur within the silos of industry, so frankly the questioner is also likely to have some knowledge on the subject.

But why not ask about hobbies? People are usually fairly smart about their hobbies. Because unless there is a bit of luck in the air, it is usually a one-sided conversation.

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To use myself as an example, my hobby is hiking. I’ve walked all over Singapore and done most of the popular trails about a dozen times. I have a certain expertise on Singaporean hiking trails.

But this being Singapore, this is how the conversation usually goes:

“What is your hobby? What do you like to do on the weekends?”

“I like to hike.”

Which leads to one of three responses.

“Oh.”
“Really?”
*Awkward silence while drink gets stirred by straw*

It’s not their fault, this just isn’t an outdoorsy town, so the amount of shared knowledge on the subject of hiking is practically nil.

However, tonight I can guarantee there will be people attending the event who share some knowledge on the topic of Southeast Asian tech. Here is the same conversation, expect with the question, “what do you do for a living?”

“What do you do for a living?”

“Oh I write for e27. We cover technology in Southeast Asia.”

“Interesting, I work for a startup that is launching a non-blockchain ICO to disrupt the ICO industry and democratise the bitcoin overlords.”

And now we are off. Twenty minutes later, the conversation wraps up, handshakes are shook and both of us walk away feeling like the night was not a total waste.

There is one caveat to asking about work. Actually care.

Don’t ask out of some social obligations. Ask because of the opportunity to learn from a really smart person. People are interesting, and if we get out of our own heads long enough to express genuine interest, we can learn a lot from one another.

This week, when you go to your networking event, corporate party or kids play-date, embrace the question.

Ask the person across from you:

“So, what do you do for a living?”

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