Ever since I’ve been very young (which admittedly has been a long time ago), I’ve always striven for that perpetual pot-of -gold-at-the-end-of-the rainbow. Meaning, I always wanted to do the best that I could do to whatever it was I put my mind to.
Most times, this tendency to overachieve has worked in my favour. Come exams time and I’d be the first one to set up my daily schedules and study regime. During my professional life, it has manifested in the various successful career transitions I’ve made.
Different strokes
I started off my career as a print journalist with Khaleej Times in Dubai, a 21-year-old who was given the heavy responsibility to report on the economic affairs of the United Arab Emirates as well as reporting on its foreign policy. After a few years, I realised that as much as I truly loved writing, TV was the next best thing.
I then moved to India to start my career as a broadcast journalist with one of India’s most well-known news channels but admittedly at the bottom of the television ladder.
A lot of my friends and family at the time were concerned by my lack of supposed skills and even tried dissuading me from it. Once I moved there, the power of the medium was addictive and I soon started getting more comfortable in front of the camera and admittedly more confident in the skills I was gaining.
I then became one of the youngest foreign correspondents with an international news channel and at 25, was covering floods, civil strife and witnessing politics at a grand stage with a vantage viewpoint, all while still being very new to broadcasting.
Along the way, I was helped by several mentors and friends, who through their deep wisdom and words of support, through evenings of coffees and solidarity, made me more confident in my choices.
Inner critic
But surprisingly, throughout this time, the inner critic inside me started getting louder. Every time I would finish one broadcast report, which would be watched by millions, and even after receiving positive feedback from my colleagues and viewers, the inner critic would keep saying and repeating “ you’re an imposter” “they’ll find you out sooner than later” or “you’re not good enough”.
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Being a woman made it harder and simpler at the same time. Harder because you had to constantly prove to everyone that you’re good enough, strong enough and smart enough.
Simpler because it gave me the drive to achieve anything I could set my mind to, even during the deepest darkest moments of despair, which were aplenty.
Starting over
I then made yet another transition when I moved to Singapore in 2013- from journalism to strategic communications. This was after being in journalism for more than a decade and once again, that inner critic’s voice started getting louder.
From clients who were very happy with the communications counsel I was giving to colleagues whose voices of recognition kept getting louder, I could still not silence that ever perpetual inner critic.
She would pop out at the most inappropriate of moments- right before a big meeting, just as I’m speaking with journalists about a new product launch or even whilst having a video conference with some of my dearest colleagues.
She was the strongest when I was in some very recent unsupportive work environments, which made me realise that toxicity breeds negativity, the antithesis of creativity, and one which I wanted to consistently avoid.
TED talk
Last year, I also gave my first TEDX talk and my inner critic had a great time then. She kept telling me how my talk was useless, how no one would care about what I’m talking about and how I’m going to make a massive fool of myself on stage. I almost believed her and thought of making a lame excuse to get out of it.
But in the end, I thought about all the people whose stories I’ve witnessed and how great an injustice I would be doing to them if I didn’t make their voices heard.
And, I’m so glad I did that as I not just enjoyed delivering the talk but more importantly, it became a landmark for me to follow when my self-doubt becomes at its loudest.
Just a mirage
It was just a month ago that I then made a decision. I decided to let her go.
All her shades of critique directed at my work, my body, my writing, how I’m not a good enough colleague, mother or daughter — I decided to hit back. I’m now not going to race after perfection because I’ve realised that’s just a mirage.
A mirage that makes us go through intense amounts of disappointment without letting us savour the moments of happiness that we can generate for ourselves and by that extension, for others.
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From someone who was ashamed to share her work on social media, express herself more openly, I’ve become more comfortable with my own authentic voice. I’m no longer ashamed because I no longer want to be perfect. I just want to be the best version of myself.
And how do I pull it off?
Here’s my list of how I’m silencing my inner critic and I hope that by sharing this, you can do it for yours too:
Picture yourself 15 years from now: Once you picture yourself, ask yourself at that time, “how did this moment or situation impact me?” If it’s trivial enough not to be remembered 15 years from now, then it’s probably not worth stressing about right now.
Challenge your inner critic: When you hear that voice of self-doubt creeping up, challenge him/her and tell him/her with “I’ve got this, thank you”. And stay away from those who bring her/ him out.
Do the best you can without beating yourself over it: We all want to be the best professionals, best parents, partners and caregivers to whom we love. But we’re also human. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some self-love.
Self-love: This is the best investment you can do in yourself. Go talk a walk, get that massage, watch that movie, eat that pizza or just go dancing on your own. Whatever makes you happy, go for that. It doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you selfless as you then have the capacity to give more.
Surround yourself with positivity: This is the hardest, especially if you’re working. Whilst you can’t get rid of toxic workplaces, what you can choose is to not let them affect you and instead, surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. And those who aren’t, you know what to do with them.
On that note, I’m wishing each of you a great, healthy and happy start to the new year! Let’s go find our happiness and silence that inner critic.
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