When I was younger, I used to love organising after-work drinks and dinners to know my colleagues better and to swap war stories.
It was at gatherings like these that you got to know each other not just as teammates but as people, which made all the difference when you’re working together in times of crisis.
These were also pre-social media times, so there was no urge or pressure to keep up, take photos and document where you were. We were literally just in the moment.
Ghosting at work
Fast forward fifteen years later and in the words of a great American poet, boy, have times a-changed. It’s not just about the work you do anymore and with whom, it’s also about who’s the inner circle you’re in and whose social media feeds you manage to get into.
Ghosting as a term has been used in the context of contemporary dating a lot. It basically means you’re ignoring a person because either you’ve found a better prospect or you’ve lost interest, or sometimes sadly, both.
But, I feel you can apply this to the corporate environment too.
This is especially true in larger organisations where competition doesn’t just exist between teams but more disturbingly, within. The promotions are limited, so are more vitally, the bonuses, and like a Gladiator contest from Roman times or a riveting Games of Thrones episode, you have colleagues pitted against each other through a game of wits to determine who will emerge as the vanquisher, and who will be ghosted.
I’ve worked in many environments where teams aren’t developed, where competition is encouraged between team members and where ‘impact’ is hardly defined but expected from managers who can’t communicate what their needs are.
One could argue that this promotes healthy competition between teammates, which in turn, ups productivity and increases numbers for a business. But, is this truly a healthy environment to work in?
Toxic environments
The answer, as most of us know in our hearts (unless you thrive in toxicity), is a resounding No. When you work in toxic work environments where popularity contests matter more than your work, not only does your productivity decrease as most of your time is spent not on actual work but on plotting, forming alliances and excluding the weaker members of your organisation it also makes you unhappier.
And if you’re not those who value politics over actual work, then you’re doomed. The politics will eventually either lead you to seek help, look outwards or just plain give up.
I had my first (and only) child, two and a half years ago. This changed my perspective on prioritising what’s important for me at work and at home.
So, whilst in my 20’s I loved socialising with my colleagues, even after work, I now know I need to really prioritise and balance my son’s needs with those of my work.
That has meant that I may need to decline the odd after-work drinks or a lunch invite so that I can put in that extra hour to my pending work projects and get back home to play with my son on the playground, before hitting the gym.
Has this put me in good stead with some of my former colleagues? Honestly, I would say no.
I know that building relationship is a vital part of my job but I also know that whilst work is but one aspect of my life, the other vital part is my son and my precious family time. This has meant that in unsupportive work environments, I had to force myself and sacrifice my family time just to get ahead and be seen as a team player, something which I never had to do.
Has this made me happier and more fulfilled? The answer again is a deafening No.
A Kardashian saga?
So, while many companies may say that what you do matters more than whom you know, we all know that this is nothing but a sugar-coated version of an altered reality.
The Kool-aid is there to drink and everyone needs to drink it or else you’re gone. The inner-circle dramas can almost be compared to a Kardashian saga- where people are talked about behind their backs, where performers aren’t rewarded but sycophants are, where appraisals are a time to decide which among the popular, chosen ones will be climbing up the ladder and at whose expense.
For someone who was bullied in her childhood and also sometimes in some very toxic work environments, I’m particularly conscious of the way bullies work in the corporate world.
They have a ‘mean girls’ mentality, operate in cliques, target the most vulnerable and make no qualms about excluding you from key work and social events. Ghosting at its corporate worst.
Thriving, instead of surviving
So, how do we navigate these very complex, interpersonal dynamics at work and how do you manage to thrive, instead of just survive?
Have your support network: These are the people in your network who will uplift and support you when the going gets tough at work. They may or may not be at your current organisation but what they share in common is a genuine feeling to help you. I’m grateful to have a lot of these in my network and with whom I seek advice from regularly.
Communicate openly: The challenge in toxic work environments is staying true to yourself yet also adapting to the needs of the majority. But what trumps here is open and transparent communication.
If that means having that open conversation with a colleague who’s been spreading rumours about you or your work, then be open about it. Not aggressive but open and more importantly, document it.
Know your colleagues: Ask questions, be open with your life and respect each other. This has helped me in my career, especially when I needed to ask for help.
Know the office dynamics: Knowing the alliances at work is good but don’t let it affect your work performance or your need to ‘fit in’. This need to fit in becomes very strong especially when you join a new workplace but sometimes it distracts us from doing what’s right for our work for the fear of being excluded.
Don’t gossip: I’ve been at the tail end of being gossiped about in recent workplaces but invariably, it comes back to the person who does it. Nothing is ever a secret, so unless you have a really riveting reason to start a rumour, don’t.
Hopefully, this will help some of us navigate what are clearly uncertain times and places, and I wish you all the luck on this wonderful journey called life!
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